\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$////////////////////////////
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$//////////////////////////
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$/////////////////////////
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$////////////////////////
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\$$$$$$ '$$$$' $$$$$$////////////////////////
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\$$$$$' $$$$$$ '$$$$$////////////////////////
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\$$$$$ '$$$$' $$$$$/////////////////////////
||| $$$uuuU$ $Uuuu$$$ |||
||| $$$$uuuU Uuu$$$$$ |||
||| $$$$$$$uu$$$$uu$$$$$$$ |||
||| HA! $$$$$$uu$$$$uu$$$$$$ HA! |||
||| HA! EE EE EE EE. HA! |||
||| HA! HA! |||
||| |||
||| Welcome to the |||
||| WEBSITE of the |||
||| SHITTY WIZARD |||
||| |||
||| |||
||| v1.5 Nov 5 2024 |||
||| - updated some links |||
||| |||
||| - research below is most current per available sources |||
||| - future research & rectons are pending and to be expected |||
||| |||
|||++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
|||++++++++++++++++++++++++++ INTRODUCTION ++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
|||++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
||| |||
||| |||
||| From the earliest days of computerized entertainment, the |||
||| Shitty Wizard has been present. Players control the titular |||
||| mage wherever he goes in the Hinterwürld, whether gathering |||
||| injectable poppies from the slums of Annwvyn, battling |||
||| poisonous man-sized plants on the Isthmus of Gabriel, |||
||| politely asking dragons to please stop devouring maidens |||
||| atop the towers of Spireffordd, or being flung far into the |||
||| future to save what’s left humanity. No matter the platform, |||
||| publisher, format, or even how tenuous the quality, the |||
||| legacy of the Shitty Wizard franchise lives on in the nerds |||
||| who slavishly devoted their time to his exploits and also |||
||| wrote slashfic about him. |||
||| |||
||| Discover more about the Shitty Wizard at Ampwall (hails), |||
||| Spotify, Bandcamp, or Instagram. |||
||| |||
|||++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
|||++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
||| |||
||| \\ |||
||| (Ø)XXXXX|[:::::::::::::::::::> |||
||| // |||
||| |||
|||++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
|||+++++++++++++++++++++++++++ HYPERLINKS +++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
|||++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
||| |||
||| |||
||| a) Timeline |||
||| b) Tipline Audio |||
||| c) Artwork |||
||| d) Vital Characters |||
||| |||
||| |||
|||++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
|||++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ TIMELINE ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
|||++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
||| |||
||| *1977 - The Chimera and the Mage* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| A sagely Chimera guides a young Wizard in the ways of |||
||| mysticism so that he might eventually rise and protect the |||
||| kingdom of Annwvyn. Showing an aptitude for incompetence, |||
||| our Wizard accidentally murders the Chimera during training. |||
||| |||
||| {{Fun fact: Steve Wozniak himself blocked this from being |||
||| the first game released for the Apple II due to |||
||| comically-long vector graphic draw times.}} |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| *1979 - Colloquium of the Dragonlords* |||
||| *A Conflagration in Annwvyn* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| Lead by the Grim Dragon Asmodaeus, the Four Dragonlords of |||
||| the Cardinal Winds descend on the kingdom, hell-bent on |||
||| destruction. New protector Shasta the Wise Old Griffon gives |||
||| his life to save Annwvyn, and our protagonist is now its |||
||| sole mystical defender. |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| *1980 - Rise of the Shitty Wizard* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| Having been turned back, the Four Dragonlords succumb to |||
||| slumber as Annwvyn recovers and rebuilds. Lord Baldwin |||
||| summons the Shitty Wizard to investigate the newly-arrived |||
||| and suspiciously helpful paladins of Be’lilith. |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| *1981 - Adventures of the Shitty Wizard:* |||
||| *Bane of the Eastern Usurpers* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| Annwyvn’s new leader Lord Hubbard sends the Shitty Wizard |||
||| to prove himself and assist the friendly (for now) |||
||| kingdom of Thalassia. |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| *1982 - A Regent Takes Hold — A New Dawn in Annwvyn* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| Annwyvn’s new leader, Lord Hubbard, sends the Shitty Wizard |||
||| to assist the nearby kingdom of Thalassia as their |||
||| Anagogical Regency deals with some shady cultists. |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| *1983 - Learn Along with the Wittle Wizard* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| Sold exclusively to elementary schools, this educational |||
||| title trades upon the increasing popularity of the |||
||| Shitty Wizard to teach children math, English, and more. |||
||| |||
||| {{Fun fact: Most of the lessons included were |||
||| debunked by 1985.}} |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| *1983 - Adventures of the Shitty Wizard II:* |||
||| *Vengeance of Tarkus* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| The Shitty Wizard travels to assist the mighty Tarkus as |||
||| he battles Wraithscathe the Doleful Conjurer for control of |||
||| the powerful Grace Stones. |||
||| |||
||| {{Fun fact: due to a translation error, “Vengeance” |||
||| sometimes appears as “Isle” in the game’s title in certain |||
||| editions. The actual content is identical, and neither |||
||| is particularly collectible or valuable or pleasant.}} |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| *1985 - Tales of the Shitty Wizard* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| The Grim Dragon Asmodaeus has just devoured Lord Hubbard’s |||
||| last and most-loved daughter, Princess Brunhilde. Wracked |||
||| with guilt and thirsting for revenge, Lord Hubbard implores |||
||| the Shitty Wizard to roam the Hinterwürld to find and |||
||| destroy the dragon once and for all. |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| *1985 - Ill-Advised Relational Database* |||
||| *of the Shitty Wizard* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| Given the success of the Shitty Wizard titles, you’d think |||
||| that the publisher would be happy with those sales, but |||
||| no — games aren’t “real software.” So the idiots in |||
||| management made this piece of shit, lost a bunch of money, |||
||| and ruined the company. |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| *1987 - Side Quest of the Shitty Wizard* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| An elaborate inventory management simulator masquerading as |||
||| a game, you’ll form a uselessly gigantic party and then |||
||| take on any number of highly inessential tasks, |||
||| missions, and expeditions. |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| *1989 - Exile of the Shitty Wizard* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| It turns out that Lord Hubbard is quite peeved at the |||
||| Shitty Wizard and his failure to slay The Grim |||
||| Dragon Asmodaeus. As such, the mage is banished from |||
||| Annwvyn until he kills the dragon, resurrects |||
||| Princess Brunhilde, or dies trying. |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| *1991 - The Goblin and the Mage* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| During his travels through the Hinterwürld, the |||
||| Shitty Wizard meets and befriends a resourceful Goblin. |||
||| Their adventures together do absolutely nothing about |||
||| rescuing Princess Brunhilde, but riches are gathered, |||
||| then lost, and mead is quaffed, so it isn’t a total loss. |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| *1992 - Dragon Flight Simulator of the Shitty Wizard* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| Battle makes for strange bedfellows. The Shitty Wizard |||
||| teams up with an ancient foe of Asmodaeus — a dragon named |||
||| Burzugūn Phlogiston — as they take to the skies and try to |||
||| save Annwvyn from its increasingly-inevitable fate. |||
||| |||
||| {{Fun fact: without the very elaborate and needlessly |||
||| expensive keyboard overlay and custom flight yoke, each |||
||| sold separately, the game is largely unplayable.}} |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| *1993 - Penitence of the Shitty Wizard* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| This seems obvious, but the Shitty Wizard is neither |||
||| capable of slaying an ancient dragon nor bringing a dead |||
||| princess back to life. A seething Lord Hubbard uses his |||
||| wits and political connections to ascend the Hinterwürld |||
||| throne. As newly crowned King Hubbard, he offers total |||
||| rule over Annwvyn to any man or beast who kills |||
||| our execrable mage. |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| *1994 - Shitty Wizard: Arena* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| Eschewing turn-based combat for the first time |||
||| (probably), “Arena” is the first action RPG in the series — |||
||| and suffers massively because of it. Low polygon counts, |||
||| terrifying frame rates, a highly detailed inventory system, |||
||| minute enemy hit boxes, and ponderous dialogue combined to |||
||| make this unplayable mess a favorite among pedantic nerds. |||
||| This is why “Arena” was eventually bundled with a |||
||| compact disc of Dream Theater’s “Awake” in one |||
||| money-saving value pack. |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| *1995 - Business Productivity Suite of the Shitty Wizard* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| As increasing affordability and user-friendliness ushered |||
||| in mainstream acceptance of personal computers, software |||
||| developers struggled to differentiate their word processor |||
||| from competitors. Thus, having learned nothing from the |||
||| database kerfuffle 10 years earlier, the Shitty Wizard was |||
||| licensed as a mascot for this collection of text editing, |||
||| presentation, spreadsheet, and email software. Predictably, |||
||| an alcoholic failure as spokesperson did not spur sales, |||
||| and the suite mercifully never made it past version 1.0. |||
||| |||
||| {{Fun fact: the email client MAGES, or Mages Ain’t Gonna |||
||| Email Send, shipped with zero ability to connect to |||
||| outbound mail servers.}} |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| *1995 - Crepuscular and Very Haunted Stronghold* |||
||| *of the Shitty Wizard* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| Townsfolk have been mysteriously disappearing in the |||
||| dead of the night, and the howl of wights looms large. |||
||| As such, our woebegone mage agrees (for money) to |||
||| infiltrate the titular Stronghold, collect and burn |||
||| seven bells plus fourteen body parts of the hastily-named |||
||| Baron Bludd, and restore order to Annwvyn. Contemporary |||
||| reviews of this action-platformer mentioned the archaic |||
||| graphics, stiff controls, dated sounds, racist password |||
||| system, and dour mood of the game. One bleak reviewer |||
||| actually mentioned contemplating taking their own life after |||
||| playing the game for just under an hour. (They ultimately |||
||| sought, and received, counseling.) |||
||| |||
||| {{Fun fact: if you try to use a Game Genie with the |||
||| console port it will cause the cartridge to explode.) |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| *1996 - Shitty Wizard 2177: Atomic Knights* |||
||| † † † † † † |||
||| Charon the Crone sends you to a possible alternate future |||
||| where society never progressed past 1950s American |||
||| aesthetics but also amassed—and used—plenty of nukes. |||
||| To get back to your own time, you’ll need to battle through |||
||| a monitor-punchingly difficult irradiated hellscape that’s |||
||| also packed with wall-to-wall dialogue and more side quests |||
||| than Side Quest of the Shitty Wizard. Hope you like |||
||| save scumming to avoid getting fucked up by ants as soon |||
||| as you complete the prologue. |||
||| |||
|||------------------------------------------------------------------|||
||| |||
||| Additional Timeline Content Coming Soon |||
||| |||
|||++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
|||+++++++++++++++++++++++ TIPLINE AUDIO ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
|||+++++++++++++++++++++++ (888.351.2666) +++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
|||++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
||| |||
||| Miss any hints, tips, and tricks for your favorite |||
||| Shitty Wizard games and adjacent software titles? |||
||| Get in-the-know with these audio files, presented in |||
||| the order they were originally posted. |||
||| |||
||| Current tip: how to defeat Hot Dog Ghosts, posted 6.29.24 |||
||| |||
||| Tales of the Shitty Wizard |||
||| Adventures of the Shitty Wizard: Vengeance of Tarkus |||
||| Learn Along with the Wittle Wizard |||
||| Colloquium of the Dragonlords |||
||| Side Quest of the Shitty Wizard |||
||| Shitty Wizard 2177: Atomic Knights |||
||| The Goblin & The Mage |||
||| Adventures of the Shitty Wizard II: Bane of the... |||
||| Tales of the Shitty Wizard |||
||| The Crepuscular and Very Haunted Stronghold of... |||
||| Dragon Flight Simulator of the Shitty Wizard |||
||| Learn Along with the Wittle Wizard |||
||| How to Defeat Hot Dog Ghosts |||
||| |||
||| |||
|||++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
|||++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ARTWORK +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
|||++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
||| |||
||| Hot Dog Ghost by Jose |||
||| |||
|||++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
|||+++++++++++++++++++++++ VITAL CHARACTERS +++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
|||++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++|||
||| |||
||| Coming soon |||
||| |||